Since the childrens father left five months ago there has been one month I have been dreading ….. and that was JUNE. June has always been my favourite month of the year because it is made up of:
Theses four dates were important to my family and something we looked forward to celebrating together. Amazing how this month has been turned on its head from just one persons decision. June is now unfortunately a month that I cant stand, a month that I can’t wait to be over, a month I am not looking forward to again next year, a month that I would like to remove from my calendar.
I now feel sad that Little Birds Birthday is in June, his special day is now wrapped up in this month of sadness for me and I have to do what I can to make the day special for him. The emotions that run with this celebration are unbearable and this year I did the only thing I felt I could to avoid them, I ran to another country to celebrate my little mans birthday and I am so glad I did because his birthday this year was lovely. We spent it in Spain, we hired a family bike and rode along the seafront and then we spent the rest of the day around the pool and in the evening we went down to the local fair.
Then we had Fathers Day, the childrens Father was out of the country but returned at lunch time. This was a tough time, normally we would pamper the childrens father and he wouldn’t lift a finger all day, he would normally have been woken up by two excited children with homemade cards and gifts for their daddy. He would normally receive breakfast in bed and then anything he wants during the day he would get delivered by me or the children. This year he popped in for an hour and a half to see the children, they made him homemade cards and baked his a large cookie and decorated it. This was not how the day should have been. It broke my heart that as a family we were not celebrating Fathers Day the way we normally would.
After Fathers Day we steam rolled into what would have been my 9th wedding anniversary and a few days before the date it hit me and I was so upset. I couldn’t help but cry as the day got closer, I did my best to not do it around the children but it was a really hard time for me. Then on the DAY I woke up early and started the day with tears, I did explain to Big Bird what the day was and told her that I was upset and not to worry if she saw me crying. I told her I was crying because I love her daddy and miss him and this was meant to be our special day. I hope that wasn’t the wrong thing to do but this day was so bloody hard I had to say something to her, Little Bird on the other hand didn’t notice. Well I thought he didn’t notice but in his own little way I think he did because he kept giving me kisses and cuddles during the day for no reason other than because he loves me.
Lastly the date that caused this flaming mess, the childrens fathers 40th Birthday. He had been thinking about this date for such a long time, turning 40 started to make him question everything he had in his life and after weighing up everything he decided he needed a change and that resulted in him packing his bags and walking out through the front door for good leaving me and the children on the floor in tears.
Today is the childrens fathers 40th birthday, I woke up early and was sad that he was not laying next to me. The children came in and asked if it was his birthday I told them it was and it seemed so wrong that we were not waking him up with cards and presents. Then the letterbox went and the children ran down to see what was there, it was a card from his brother. I found this really hard and was upset again.
After breakfast the children decorated the cake they had made for their father, they put alot of time and effort into it which I found sad because I knew he would leave it here because he was going on holiday tonight. When he arrived to pick up the children I was really upset because I couldn’t stop thinking that today was not meant to be this way. He took the children out for a couple of hours before I collected them, once I picked up the children I couldn’t talk to them all the way home my sun glasses were on and the tears were streaming down my face, I thought the other days were hard but god knows how I got through today.
When I walked through the front door with the children we were greeting with the birthday cake that the children had put so much time and effort into. It broke my heart it was sat on the side they made it for him, they did all of it by themselves, I didn’t know whether to throw it in the bin because I didn’t want them to see it had been left behind.
The childrens father has now left the country for 9 days, and just when I thought I could breath a sigh of relief because June is nearly over I am now dreading the whole time he is away. I know you probably won’t understand why I feel like this but at the end of the day he is still my husband, this is not what I wanted, I love him, I miss him and I feel like my life, my world has been turned upside down.